| |
TESCO
YOU'RE NOT WANTED HERE
You may be
something of a puppeteer
Making
other towns throw in the towel
But we'll
fight our corner like Enoch Powell.
It looks
like you may have got permission
To continue
with this imposition.
We may
abstain from the Rivers of Blood
But we'll
drag your name right through the mud.
Your
Harrogate expansion plan
Divides
opinion like war in Afghanistan.
And you may
just think we're a bunch of liberals,
But we're
all writing letters to Eric Pickles.
And though
we're doubtful about what he'll do
Because to
look at him you'd say he likes his food
We're
hopeful that he'll take our side
Because
no-one likes food tinged with cyanide.
Geoffrey
will staff the store with single mums
And
supplement with unemployed bums.
Well you
certainly know how to flatter your ward
I'd
recommend some time abroad.
This talk
about low expectations
Is a
fascinating revelation,
That the
store is promoted with such au fait
That we're
not to expect much anyway.
Because,
Tesco you're not wanted here
Your
aggressive tendencies are as contentious as Martin Bashir's
Tesco
you're not wanted
Why do we
even need a fountain?
Especially
one worth couple of thousand
If you're
going to accept a bribe
For
heaven's sake don't undersubscribe.
Ask for a
Grand Canal with gondoliers,
A box
office hit for Hugo Speer,
A
self-sustaining eco town,
Complimentary dressing gowns.
A space
program to rival NASA's,
An
unlimited supply of Betty's hampers
And when
you've had your fill of Fat Rascals
You can go
and view our original Picassos.
Because, if
one thing was to be learnt from Diana's death,
Apart from
the insanity of Al-Fayed,
And it
should be borne in mind by any Town Clerk,
That
memorial fountains just don't work.
We'll have
hospitalisations left and right,
Annoying
little children having water fights,
They're
rebelling because their mother's neglectful,
She's on 14
hour shifts shelving Tesco specials.
There'll be
alterations all the time,
Officials
just won't make up their minds,
Paddle in
it, don't paddle in it, paddle in it do,
Tramps will
use it to do their poos.
Because,
Tesco you would cause dismay,
Both your
store and this giant bidet.
We already
have a Tesco Express,
But from
Waitrose we won't regress.
Tesco
you're not wanted here. |
METRO TRAINS IN
HARROGATE
Now when I'm on the
underground
Travellin' 'bout old
London town
The other passengers,
I astound
We need metro trains
in Harrogate.
Now sayin' that we get
these trains,
And the whole scheme
don't go up in flames
I assume these things
run off the mains,
Metro trains in
Harrogate.
To think they'd come
from that London dive,
Where they all think
that we're deprived,
Well the world don't
end at the M25,
Metro trains in
Harrogate.
An uplift in the
frequency, more stops on the run,
But don't you worry
Harrogate it still avoids Chapel Allerton.
It's important to
predict complaints,
French National Rail,
that we ain't,
This sorta thing made
Iain Coucher faint,
Metro trains in
Harrogate.
We've got delays 'cos
of leaves on the line,
Nothings really runs
on time,
It's 'cos this train
used to be ont' Northern Line,
Metro trains in
Harrogate.
This current delay has
not been planned
But to the woman
looking rather tanned,
What part of 'stand
clear of the doors' don't you understand?
Metro trains in
Harrogate.
An uplift in the
frequency, more stops on the run,
But don't you worry
Harrogate it still avoids Chapel Allerton.
A reminder to our
American crowd,
We know that as a
nation you are very proud,
But you're almost
certainly talking to loud,
Metro trains in
Harrogate.
Would passengers
filling in their sudokus
Accept that they're
just crosswords made for fools
Learn some words, get
back to school,
Metro trains in
Harrogate.
There's a man
pretending to read the Daily Express
Who's actually staring
at that woman's chest,
We know you're doing
it, just confess,
Metro trains in
Harrogate.
An uplift in the
frequency, more stops on the run,
But don't you worry
Harrogate it still avoids Chapel Allerton.
Our current service is
inane,
So to you, let me
explain,
We need metro trains
in Harrogate. |
Harrogate
Chamber's Annual Dinner took place on 30th September 2011 at the Cedar Court
Hotel, Harrogate and was attended by 100 guests. The following review was
kindly provided by Steve Phillip of Linked2Success who was one of the guests
and also manages soprano Rachel Harrison who performed during the evening.
The tone of the evening was set when Simon
suggested that there would be no disco for guests to boogie the night away
to, but had there been then Chief Executive Brian Dunsby would surely have
got up and danced to that great disco classic T.E.S.C.O and with each of the
100 guests suitably amused the temperature was now set for an evening which
provided a mixture of business, great food, classical music and comedy that
sent each of the guests home having had a thoroughly wonderful Friday night
out.
From
my perspective as a guest, who does not enjoy stuffy formal dinners, this
was an evening of light hearted conversation around the dinner table,
interesting business issues, presented by Neil McLean – Chair of Leeds City
Region LEP, a wonderful interlude of classical music, provide by Soprano
Rachel Harrison, accompanied by Alla Shumova on piano, with songs from
musicals such as My Fair Lady and Show Boat and some highly amusing satire
provided by Tom Taylor of the Sitting Room comedy club in Harrogate. (See
below for more details.)
Last,
but not least, Tom Taylor's entertaining insights into local events had
everyone holding their sides laughing, particularly the very topical TESCO
song, followed by the 'Metro Trains for Harrogate' sang to the tune of 'When
I'm Cleaning Windows'! Read the lyrics below.